Snig of the Day
Great Moments in Monkey History Part IIDepicted here is the first of many meetings between foraging Blue Baboon and worm. For a time, worm was simply known as "floss" — handy for removing banana peel strings from between baboon teeth. It was only after the discovery of "cinnamon flavored waxed string" that worm's true identity was revealed.
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Great Moments in Monkey History Part IScoopMaster 3000
A.K.A. ConebotBoasting a dual purpose batter-squirter-cone-former appendage, two waffle pattern heat-press feet, and a refrigerated body cavity, the ScoopMaster 3000 is all you'll ever need to serve up that homemade creamery. "It's the latest in my line of automated food prep androids," remarks Dr. Feng Pellicle, inventor of the highly acclaimed P-BOT 3000. "Conebot is streamlined to its utmost efficiency. Every nut and bolt serves to enhance the ice cream output. Well, almost everything. I purposely shaped the head so that when its eyes are shut, ScoopMaster 3000 resembles a nude rear — effectively mooning the unsuspecting cone craver." Sheriff SlothposseIf it's swift western justice that you're after then you best be blowin' by Sheriff Slothposse's town like a tumbleweed in a wind storm. "As far as I know, I'm the only gunless lawman in the territory," remarks the mustached marshal. "Chasin' after scalawags on slothback don't exactly require the quick-on-the-draw type. I never catch up to a criminal much less have to confront 'em. I'll write letters sometimes — ask 'em kindly to turn themselves in. The jail ain't got one single prisoner but my penmanship is gettin' real good." Scalawags are encouraged to respond in person at the Slothposse County Jail, 214 Chokedust Road, just across from the saloon.
Back off, pardner.The Crystal Olive
With Sacred Pimento StoneThe secretive Monks at the Temple of the Multiple Martini are known to be master prognosticators — seeing far into the future via their magnificent Crystal Olive. The sacred Pimento Stone is said to be the key to the Monk's prophetic accuracy. Much like its namesake food, this ruby-hued rock's origin is shrouded in mystery. Questions abound: Why do the Monks put it in the Crystal Olive? What the heck is it exactly and where does it come from? Can I get my Crystal Olive without Pimento Stone? Who puts it in there? Is that a specific monk's only job — Crystal Olive stuffer?
Revere from afarPindyPindies are quiet little waddlers with thick, sticky tongues and an exceptionally grody diet. When a suitable target beds down for the night (large eared rodents are the usual fare), the Pindy waddles forth, plunges in a skinny blue arm, and collects filthy wax flakes from the depths of the inner ear. Like a fine aged cheese, only the oldest wax will do. The Pindy is very discerning with its tastes.
ZoomThe BaconistSporting an all weather butcher's coat over his rotund, unhealthy physique, the yellow snouted Baconist is a truly unsettling fellow. He is known for storing individual strips of crisp, delicious bacon — much like a wine connoisseur collects and cellars fine wines. Some say his love for the greasy swine strips has rendered him hog-like. Whatever the cause, his ostrich egg forehead and custardy eyes make for a pretty disturbing mugshot.
ZoomMoler Expedition
A.K.A. The Eskimole Trek
It's a little known fact that the first creature to reach the North Pole was a common short-haired mole.
Sadly, said rodent perished on his remarkable, historic journey. His diary remains, however — the last page a haunting entry of the dire situation:
Wednesday, December 16th
Cold. Hungry. Haven't seen a worm in months. Located Claus residence. Turns out it's Santa's Workshop, not Wormshop.
Criminy.
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